No Use For Nickels: The five-cent coin is putting us all at risk
Contact us at nufn.canada@gmail.com
Last updated: August 28, 2011
Here's an article by a cofounder and coleader of the NUFN.
Many people use nickels every day. They don’t know the truth.
At first glance, nickels look pretty unimportant, just a
beaver embossed on a circular, metallic disk with the Queen of England
on the other side. Nickel-users just don’t know what they’re doing.
They’re uninformed.
A friend of mine had a dream. He dreamed that nickels were
“bad.” Soon after having this dream, he recounted it to me. That was
the beginning of the No Use For Nickels (NUFN) Organization.
What used to be an insignificant coin became a danger. My friend and I knew that something had to be done to warn the masses about our discovery. Founding the NUFN Organization seemed right to us both.
Now, mainly by word of mouth, the NUFN has gained over 250 members from all walks of life. Our membership spans four Canadian provinces as well as other regions around the world.
What is so dangerous about nickels? It’s a fair question that we get all the time. The answer is simple. We believe nickels contain “nicklonium,” a dangerous element. This element can’t be found on most periodic tables, but one must remember that the majority of periodic tables are incorrect. They fail to display the 19th group, known as the “unimpressive gases.”
“Nicklonium” is a “televisionactive” element. This means that it changes the television channels without warning. Have you ever been watching a television program when suddenly the channel switches? That was caused by the nickel in your pocket.
And that’s not the half of it. At the NUFN, we believe that almost all Canadians are addicted to nickels. Our dependency on this coinage is appalling.
Make no mistake; nickel addiction is not without its side effects. Nickels are known to burn through clothing, cause sadness (and happiness), and cause loss of balance (and regaining of balance). They’re known to cause slow internet connections as well as fast ones. The list is endless.
Did you know that 98% of convicted criminals are nickel users? Did you know that babies can easily choke on nickels? The statistics don’t lie.
Now, what can one do when he comes into contact with the offending coin? Neutralize it, of course. The No Use For Nickels Organization recommends that mustard be used. Our studies have shown that slathering mustard on the coin is the best way to counteract the numerous harmful effects.
At the NUFN, we’ve made an effort to inform as many citizens of this nation as possible. With a hit website (www.nufn.co.nr), Facebook group, and online store, the NUFN has raised its profile beyond that of a small group of people working for the safety and well-being of all; it’s now an international movement.
Holding contests is one way the organization has succeeded in raising its profile with its members and others. In 2007, a competition was held to choose an official slogan. Members were asked to submit their suggestions, and then a vote was held. The members made their judgment: “Stay alive, ditch the five.”
Although the NUFN was removed recently from Wikipedia (a hotly contested decision), the organization continues to flourish. We regularly release video public service announcements and send out regular emails to keep members informed and involved.
For at least 250 people, the nickel will never again be regarded in the same way. Its true nature has been revealed, and it’s hideous.
Please, for everyone’s sake, stay nickel-free.